The Balancing Act

I am SO tired. Not like I stayed up all night partying tired. Not like I just had a great workout or spent the day on the beach in the sun tired. I'm the kind of tired that you feel from the moment you wake up till you go to bed. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open at work and find it difficult to concentrate. I'm continuing to push myself-to keep a rigorous work schedule, study every night, go to the gym, eat right, and be high functioning despite the fact my body is begging me for a break. 

 SO tired. But it's not like I'm going wild. I'm going to bed at a normal hour. I'm saying no to getting together with my friends or going to happy hour to preserve my energy. I've upped all my supplements, made my workouts easier, and given myself time to relax at the end of each day. None of it seems to be helping and I just want to keep it together but if I don't lay down right now I might fall asleep standing up. 

This is my constant battle, and I assume if you're reading this, you face this too. When your body doesn't want to cooperate with you, it is beyond frustrating. It's such a fine line between pushing yourself and letting your body rest and get what it needs. If you rest too long or at the wrong time of day or in the wrong position, it can amplify symptoms. If you don't rest enough and push your body to keep going when it can't, it can amplify symptoms. It feels often like I'm in a Cirque de Soleil act, where the obstacles to my balance just keep mounting as I try to wow the audience. If a toe slips off the wire on which I'm precariously perched, I fear I might not be able to catch myself. 

I don't have an answer to this. No guide or tips. Let me know if you have any-I'm just so frustrated. I know that having a chronic condition has made me who I am today and for that I am so grateful. But sometimes, I wonder what I could accomplish if I was me without dysautonomia. What I could accomplish without this third factor threatening my balancing act. But, I've always loved Cirque de Soleil and isn't it amazing when a performer you thought couldn't accomplish what seemed like an unattainable feat actually does? 

On the way back from Portugal, I sat behind a Cirque performer and overheard him say (okay, okay, I told Nick to stop talking so I could eavesdrop for like an hour, I LOVE Cirque!) it took him years of practice and plenty of broken bones to perfect his craft. But, he said, every time he thinks he has his act perfected, they always make it harder and more challenging with each new show. So maybe, I will never perfect my balancing act, but I can stand a little taller, take small steps forward, and continue to improve with each step as new challenges come my way.