Why I Don't Drink: Answers for the Sober Curious

The year was 2013, the location was Myrtle Beach. It was our Senior Week of college, the week before graduation and I was drinking like I was bulletproof. Vodka and soda on the beach, red wine at dinner, gin and tonics at night. It was a perpetual state of drunkenness and it was pretty much a blast until I threw up each night, sick from the mix of liquor sloshing around my stomach.

To be clear, I’ve never been a great drinker.

So frat

In high school before I got sick I drank a little bit and always got sick. In college, I had a magical period where I was able to drink pretty heavily, and let’s be honest, college is mostly accepted alcoholism. But it was fun and I felt like a real college girl able to partake in the weird traditions of haircuts and downing a Four Loko without realizing I was drinking rocket fuel. After Senior Week, I got really sick, my body rejecting the sleepless nights, heavy drinking, and sunburn. Drinking even a sip of alcohol sent me into uncontrollable shaking, vomiting, and nasty migraines. I tried a few more times to drink after that and decided it wasn’t worth it. I haven’t touched a drink in six years.

Senior year in massive drinking mode (notice what’s in my hand) - funny enough all the people in this picture are still some of my best friends (and Nick)

“How do you not drink?!” people will look at me incredulously. “You must smoke then.” people will reason. “What about caffeine pills?” acquaintances will say, grasping for something. It’s almost funny at this point to see the crazy questions people will come up with. When I was younger, it was hard for me to not drink because so many of my friends were in peak party mode. A 4AM bedtime is a lot harder to achieve on a Saturday without a jack and coke. But, I feel awful when I drink and so it’s really not that hard to avoid. If someone were to punch you in the face every time you ate a piece of chocolate, would you still eat it? (Okay, chocolate is a bad example, because it’s delicious but maybe chicken or apples).

This isn’t embarrassing at all

I get a lot of questions through my personal life and through The Lemon Tribe on my choice to not drink so I thought I’d spend a little time answering the most common ones.

The Most Common Questions I Get Around Not Drinking

Do you miss it?

Most of the time, I don’t miss it at all. Once I stopped drinking, I realized how dependent I was on alcohol as a crutch to turn to when I didn’t feel confident or wanted to numb my emotions or felt the need to fit in. Without it as a misaligned tool to deal with those feelings, I actually had to deal with the feelings! And it’s hard to do but I truly had no choice. I had to explore why I wasn’t confident in social situations without a drink in my hand and how to handle difficult days, anxiety, and depression without a drink to drown out the spiral in my head.

In many respects, I’m grateful I don’t drink because it has challenged me to explore my mental state more deeply and it makes me miss it even less.

Occasionally, it’d be great to have a glass of wine at a vineyard for a wine tasting or a little rum on vacation for the taste and experience but the consequences for me aren’t worth the upside so virgin Pina Coladas it is!

Do you feel pressure to drink?

This is such a tough and multi-layered question. I don’t feel pressure at all from my friends to drink. I think at the beginning I put a lot of pressure on myself to still be like my drunk self at parties and try to be that person without alcohol and it was exhausting and felt truly inauthentic. I worried a lot at the beginning about being “lame” for being tired at night or leaving the bar at 1AM instead of 2 and some friends fell away because they weren’t okay with that but the true ones I want in my life have stayed. So in that way, it was kind of like a litmus test for them.

The hardest part of me for not drinking is actually in a work space. Work situations can get really weird when there’s alcohol involved and at my last job I was in far too many scenarios where a too drunk coworker did or said something that wouldn’t have affected me if I was black out too but really put me in a tough moral situation when sober.

I’ve noticed in the workplace, happy hour is the prize at the end of the day and the rapid consumption of alcohol for offsites and outings is a kind of rejoiced collective experience that I can’t quite participate in. Coworkers still ask me if I want a drink at functions, not quite believing I don’t drink entirely and for years I made up excuses to clients who lacked trust in those who don’t drink. Heck, one even asked me if I wa pregnant.

But, I’ve gotten better at being quick and truthful with it and have found other ways to feel included without having to drink.

How Do You (Insert Odd Fill In the Blank Here)?

Dance. Hook up. Feel confident. Deal with stress. Go on vacation. Relax. Survive. I’ve literally heard them all and they always make me laugh.

I don’t want to lie and say that not drinking is this super easy choice that the rest of society just accepts and you’re instantly comfortable with because that would be untrue and not recognize the immense journey it takes to get to a point where your comfortable not drinking. And, to be clear, I’m fortunate enough to not have alcoholism run in my family or have to deal with alcohol detox, AA, etc. which makes everything way harder.

But, I live my life more authentically me and more comfortable in my own skin because I’ve had to deal with these odd scenarios. Dancing on a dancefloor full of people without alcohol telling me I can dance? I had to give up caring what anyone else thought. Dealing with stress? I had to develop a toolkit without drugs or liquor that effectively let me deal with my emotions and unwind. It’s not perfect all the time but I do everything just like you, only without alcohol. *Que throwing my hands in the air and waving them around like I just don’t care (even though occasionally I do).

Has Your Relationship Changed?

Not really. More than anything it has made Nick and I communicate more about what we each want. I needed to be clear when I was fine with him going out for the night and honest when I didn’t want people to come over to party. He needed to figure out what nights out looked like without me there all the time and was great at communicating that he missed me out and together we found other ways to have time like that together. But mostly, we fight a lot less than we did when fueled by drunken thoughts. He’s exchanged flask gifts for essential oil containers. I respect his choice to drink and he respects mine not to and we communicate whenever there is a problem that arises from that which isn’t too often.

Have Your Friends Changed?

Yes and no. Many of the friends I had in college still remain and as I’ve gone through this transition so have they, from intense partiers to people who prefer a good dinner and chill game night. I got rid of a lot of the friends I felt responsible for when they were drinking or felt like they relied on me too much to be their designated driver, to stop them from making bad decisions, or to help them find a place to vomit night after night.

The change is more in the type of friends I look for now. When I was younger, I tended to gravitate toward older people in the life stage I’m in now and beyond who really understood what a world was like without drinking regularly. Now, most people I know are at this stage and it’s easier to choose friends who want brunch instead of a booze-fueled club scene or will go to a workout with me instead of downing shotskis at a beer hall. To clarify, most of my friends still drink, they’re just also interested in activities that don’t involve alcohol too.

What if I Want To Try Not Drinking?

Happy to give tips! In fact, I gave my top 5 in this post On Not Drinking a few years ago. It can be different for everyone so go slow and be gentle with yourself.

Will You Ever Drink Again?

Maybe. But definitely not for awhile. I’d like a glass of champagne on my wedding day if possible but you know, collagen powder and seltzer works too.

Please feel free to reach out with any additional questions and if you’re struggling with alcoholism or alcoholic tendencies, don’t hesitate to reach out to The National Drug Helpline that can find you support.